2008: The Year of the Beijing "Olympics" (with apologies to Dr. Evil)

Here is a recap of this year's "Olympics". Yes, those are quotation marks.

They funded research that led to new scientific breakthroughs to make little girls age faster to qualify for the gymnastics team.



They told a little girl she was too fugly to show her face at the opening ceremonies.



They faked the fireworks.



They brought in their own spectators and cheering squads by the bus loads.



They invented the only grand piano in the world that's light enough to stand on an LCD screen.



Through revolutionary DNA sequencing techniques, they turned Han Chinese kids into other ethnic minorities.



And now, finally, it has been revealed. Even Dan Brown will shudder at the biggest con of all-- the Bird's Nest is not real!



It is made all out of Lego.





Through digital editing and masterful cinematographic techniques (and a highly effective system of brainwashing...), the whole 2008 "Olympics" has been fabricated.

With deception at such a grand scale, who cares about freedom of speech, the right to protest, pollution and unrestricted Internet access in China?

Well, as long as it looks as real as a knock-off Prada bag.

This all reminds me of that scene in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, when Dr. Evil talks about the putting a "laser" on the moon, turning it into a "Death Star" and makes that finger curling motion to signify "quotes".

I think we should all start doing that every time we talk about the "Olympics".

Blue Screen of Olympic Death

Since I am, undoubtedly, a geek, here is a geeky way of poking fun at the already embarassing controversy-ridden opening ceremonies.

The Blue Screen of Death, signifying a fatal computer error, was projected onto the roof of the National Stadium during the grand finale to the four-hour spectacular as veteran Chinese gymnast Li Ning, suspended 70 metres above the stadium floor, "jogged" towards the Olympic torch.

More of the same pics at Gizmodo, and all taken from different angles from different cameras, making it very likely that this was, contrary to the spirit of this Olympics, not faked.

Ok, so China, maybe it's time to press Ctrl-Alt-Del, reboot and change the party in power install a new operating system.

Just a thought...

China to provide free Bibles to athletes, visitors during Olympic Games - International Herald Tribune

China to provide free Bibles to athletes, visitors during Olympic Games - International Herald Tribune: "Religious texts and items from major religious groups are allowed to be brought in for personal use by athletes and visitors.'"


I wonder if that includes pictures of and texts written by the Dalai Lama?

Official Beijing Olympics Cheer

"Beijing Olympic chiefs are introducing an official cheer for patriotic spectators to spur on Team China at the Games, Chinese media reports."

Video footage of the cheer being performed here.

Hmm, where do I start with this one?

Beijing Etiquette Institute? International principles of cheering? WTF?

Imagine thousands upon thousands of spectators at the Bird's Nest doing this perfectly synchronized...who knows, though? After completely mastering the cheer, they may reach the upper levels of OT and finally be rid of the tyranny of the evil intergalactic overlord Xenu... oh wait, I'm mixing up my cults!

Kool-aid anyone?